The other morning I woke up (which is how I like to start my day), fed the cats, cleaned the litter boxes, then opened the back door to go out with the dogs for a bit. I have a pair of dirty old shoes that I leave on the back porch for trips outside with the dogs which means my first step onto the back porch is done in just socks. On my feet, I mean. I usually wear the traditional loincloth as well. Anyway, as I took the aforementioned stocking footed step I felt a sharp pain in my right foot. What I initially thought might be a big-ass sliver turned out to be a big-ass wasp. And not a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I mean the bee kind of wasp. And, despite overwhelming odds against him, an individual wasp will still try to take down a 210 pound sleepy white guy. And much like the proverbial David, Mr. Wasp struck a crippling blow to the mighty behemoth. Unlike the proverbial Goliath, I got up, grabbed a paper towel, and squashed the little bastard. If only they had paper towels back then the whole Israelite/Philistine thing may have gone down much differently. Alas, the quicker-picker-upper was not to be invented for many centuries so you know how that turned out.
The wasp on the other hand was mashed flat.
But holy crap did that hurt. I believe my exact words were, "Owww! Mother fucker! Holy fucking shit that hurts! God fucking damn it! Jesus fucking Christ!" That's where the whole paper towel thing came in. It wasn't a good start to the day for either of us. Probably worse for him though. Either way I have a sneaking suspicion this little parable isn't going to be amended into the bible. Partially due to my taking of the lord's name in vain and partially due to the fact that "Don't sting the dude that outweighs you by 209.999995 pounds" isn't a lesson you really should need to learn.
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8 comments:
We have the opposite problem here. I can't et to the mailbox without being accosted by several dozen White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. I think they're attracted to our outdoor grill. I usually just throw a golfball down the road and they run off after it.
limpy: I'll just get stung once in a while thanks.
I thought your foot had been cut off.
A hug.
It kinds of sounds like my reaction to my piercings... which was followed by laughter and then an apology for making all his customers run away..
nice to know i m not the only who swears excessively..
sylvia: For a second I thought it might have been too. I notice you were so concerned you almost stopped riding the recumbent bike and paused The Tudors. Almost.
lucy: I didn't think it was excessive at all. That little fucker could really sting. Past tense. Could. Not can.
Ammendments to the bible would have to go something like this:
Article A: Jesus was not crucified, he just went to Costco where he bought Cascade and Pellegrino. Where I saw him.
Article B: David was just a wasp.
elle: If you had written the bible it would've been a lot more entertaining. Not to mention shorter. I hope you'd still have included whores though.
A flat wasp is a good wasp.
Look at the bright side, at least he didn't fly up under your loin cloth!
Now that would SUCK!
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