The Monkey

The Spousal Unit and I (ok, mostly her) run a fantasy hockey league. The NHL.com website used to run a league similar to ours but they stopped doing it. We liked the format enough that we decided to just do it ourselves. The way it works is there are 12 different groups of players and each week you need to pick one player per group. So there's a Center #1 group, a Center #2 group, a Winger #1 group etc... Then, you score points based on how well the players you chose did during that week. What makes this league different from most fantasy leagues is several people playing can pick the same guy from a particular group. So if I pick Sidney Crosby as my Center #1 choice there's no reason you can't pick him too. Of course no one knows which players any of the other people in the league picked until after the deadline. We decided that at the end of each week we would post the optimum line-up for the previous week (who you should've picked in each group in order to get the highest possible score) so you could see how many points you could've scored if only you were any good at it. We also decided to have what we call "The Monkey" make basically random picks each week so when The Monkey beats you you'll feel especially stupid. We're just self deprecating that way. The first couple weeks we just rolled dice for The Monkey so his picks were completely random but for some of the weeks we're going to have a guest Monkey. It'll be someone who knows nothing about hockey and they'll have to make picks based on a theme of their choosing. This week's Monkey is our friend Knitts and she chose as her theme "The Players Whose Names Sound The Most Like Porn Names". This is what she came up with:

Center Slot 1: (hehe...center slot...) R. Brind'Amour as the last part of his name looks like an intentional misspelling of "amore".

Center Slot 2: M. Modano, Modano's Hoes, it rhymes and shit!

Winger 1: J. Cheechoo, Lips get all sexy, puckery-like on the last syllable "choooooooooo"

Winger 2: Easy choice, A. Semin. Please tell me I don't have to explain myself on this one.

Winger 3: M. Satan Gah! Satanic pr0n!

Winger 4: D. Vyborny Vyporny or Vyhorny isn't such a stretch either.

Defense 1: A. Zhitnk Vowels <> sexxxxy

Defense 2: J. Boumeester Bow Mister!

Defense 3: J. Corvo Sounds like a good brand of alcohol.

Goalies 1: N. Backstrom He specializes in being on the bottom.

Goalies 2: R. DiPietro Da, di pet!

Goalies 3: M. Legace Reminiscent of "legacy" which sounds like a good word to use in a porn star name to me.

So that was her Monkey list for this week. Ah, that Knitts. What a horn-meister.